Perspective.

It’s strange — what’s the right way to look at things?

I’m moving to Spain. I went to college, my parents are still together, I have a home and I have enough food to eat and I have a phone and a computer. I have people that love me. I am living better than 99% of the world’s population.

The only thing I’m missing is a few neurons in a small part of my brain. Why does it matter so much?

I’m trying to cultivate a genuinely positive attitude, and to appreciate what I do have without guilting myself into gratitude. It’s difficult, though, because it’s so easy to feel guilty about everything. About being too sick. About not being sick enough. About having the nerve to feel pain when there are people on our planet who are refugees, as if there’s not more than enough suffering to go around.

Sometimes I try to will myself into a more functional body, as if there’s a relationship between health and attitude. Don’t you have enough? Then why do you still feel sick? Why can’t you just be happy and make it go away? If you were less spoiled and more appreciative of the good things, you wouldn’t feel so bad.

I’m not sure where the balance lies. Is there a way to acknowledge my own suffering without downplaying all the blessings in my life? Is it alright to feel bad and be thankful all at once? 

I don’t mean to be overly negative — just to be clear, I don’t wallow in misery. I know that our world is beautiful; I can see it, and I want to appreciate that beauty as much as I possibly can. I want to have the right attitude, and I want to rise to the challenge that life is asking of me. I think I can do it — I’m just trying to figure out how.

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